Trying to let it be

I've managed with fairly positive success lately to not let things bother me. Keeping occupied helps to keep my mind off the trivial things that normally get to me. Strange thing is though, people and events that normally don't bother me have been really getting on my nerves. It seemed like everyone called me today and I really wasn't in the mood for chatting with anyone but fuck it anyway, the phone kept ringing all day. Other than that I've had one of the best days I've had in a long time. I owe most of it to an awesome weekend I think. On Friday I went to Amber's birthday party and hung out with a few old friends, had a slack day at work on Saturday and hung out with an old high school friend that evening. Sunday was the bestest ever though. Went to the nude beach with Rob and friends, didn't plan on going nude but it happened and I really liked it. Only awkward part was a couple of lecherous douches who made everyone feel really self-conscious by staring a lot and walking slowly by every 20 minutes. Other than that it was great, spent 4 hours on the beach soaking up some vitamin D and even got a bit of exercise. I got sunburned pretty bad but not in the places you'd expect to get burned on a nude beach. Only part of today I didn't like was I didn't get to the gym like I planned. I'm off Thursday though and I'm 100% committed to going, I've got to start using this membership. I'm going to start off easy and get my body used to physical exertion again. Gotta lay off the doritos and kit kats now too I guess.

I've also noticed a few reassuring and very welcome signs of a possible recovery. Music has been affecting me more than normal, I haven't really been affected by it much in the past few months. I was hit by a burst of creative energy today and used it to write a poem, something I haven't done in years. I'm not even sure I've ever written a real poem before. Where is this coming from? I am cautiously optimistic. I don't want to get my hopes up too high, after all I haven't really been working too hard towards getting better. I've taken a few steps but I haven't hit it full force yet. I'm not sick of living, just the banality of it all. The basic humdrum cadence of everyday existence. I'm headed in the right direction towards being better. I have hope, not too high, but hope nonetheless that I'll feel a lot better soon. I'm excited to be there.

I may have had an epiphany about my job too. Well maybe epiphany is a bit of a strong word but my suspicions have been confirmed about how much I hate my job. I officially hate it! Its a big step. Now I just have to find a new one. I'd like a job that isn't smothered in bureaucratic bullshit. Its a tall order I know. Photography isn't fun when you have such strict guidelines to adhere to. Not to mention the sales aspect. What I hate the most though is being under so much pressure to get appointments booked. Its constant, everyday I get a call from my boss "inspiring" me to work hard and make sure I meet the quota. I have to send daily reports about all my appointment acquisition efforts and results and I get an email or phone call if its not up to par. I understand that this is part of the job and is likely the first or second most important aspect but its also my least favourite. I'd describe the job as being more of a marketing position than a photography one. I also really think I'm done dealing with the general public. I've always known but only recently begun to feel strongly that there are way better things in life than helping fragile people with their petty, trivial problems. I'm sick of holding peoples hands and stroking their egos, telling them I'll make everything better. Consumerism is really pissing me off. I understand that if you pay for something then you expect to receive whatever you have coming to you but its not cool to take out your anger on people when things don't go as well as you hoped. I know this is a common complaint among people in retail but I just have to voice my opinion. I'm not one to talk but people are way too uptight about shit these days. I wish everyone would just chill out and relax. I'm sick of people being full of themselves, expecting the world to bow before them, feeling entitled to respect, just because they're a consumer. So what, you bought some shitty, useless pile of crap that was made in China. Its just crap people, don't get so strung out about it.

Jordan gets home on the 4th which is a Friday. Then the loneliness will be over. I'm anxious to be together again. The past few weeks have been a little rocky and I've gone through a lot of ups and downs but on the 4th at least there'll be one less thing to worry about and lots to look forward to. I miss being with him. Some days are easier than others while some are painful. Mostly its just not having anyone to talk to, no one to snuggle. Snuggles! I grow weary of John and Yoko and I know they're sick of me too, we'll all be glad when Jordan gets back. They manage to find new ways to annoy me everyday. They have to get into everything all the time, never a moment of peace. They are unresponsive to my discipline or anyone else's. Its time to put them down I think. Jordan suggested Yoko would haunt me as a ghost cat. If its anything like the movie Ghost Dad then I'd be all for it but I don't think a ghost Yoko is something I can deal with.

Dare

Its been a difficult few days for me but I've got a lot accomplished. I always evaluate my life but have always been unable to feel good about it. Today I took steps to change that. I am telling myself that I have lots to be happy about and its true. I have a life many would kill for. I have a beautiful partner, a close, loving family, a circle of close and caring friends, a high-paying secure job, a car which I don't really pay for and a safe, comfortable home. Not to mention my health and extreme good-looks. I've had this all along but thus far have been unable to appreciate it. I've made changes in the past year and up until now I haven't really taken inventory and looked at how much my life has changed. I don't drink anymore which lead to better sleep, fewer digestive problems ie heartburn etc. I acquired a stable job which I like, it pays me well and I enjoy it. I've improved my surroundings and eliminated questionable people from my life.

As for the future, I bought a gym membership and I look forward to using it. I don't want to feel weak anymore. I want to be proud and confident of my body. I don't want to hide it in shame and cower at the thought of others seeing it. Just buying a membership doesn't fix it though, I must also commit to using it and applying myself every day. I will keep you posted on the results. I'm feeling good these days, I realized I've been going about life the wrong way. I'm looking forward instead of back. I will not judge or compare my life to what it once was. The life I had cannot be brought back, its nothing but memories now. It doesn't mean I can't have fun and be happy again though, it just means I have to realize that those particular days are behind me. I must admit though, this isn't a total mind-altering epiphany, its still going to take work to convince myself to think this way. Fortunately I have cognitive behavioural therapy experience. I'm looking into narrative therapy as well. aaaaand mindfulness. Which is related but a little more difficult.

There are exciting changes ahead and for once I am looking forward to what tomorrow may bring. Enjoy the memes, they make blog posts a lot of fun for me.

i r bored

I haven't got anything to say really, just kinda doing this because I'm bored and ill. Today a woman on the phone got really excited to hear that I'd be taking her son's portraits on Friday. It seems the kid is a raging homosexual infant and only allows men to take his photos. It was one of the rare occasions that anyones been excited to have me photograph their kid, most parents think its weird and unnatural for a man to photograph children. Speaking of weird and unnatural, a guy came in to pick up his portraits on Monday and when I presented him with the optional extras the lab includes, he flipped out saying printing portraits of his family without their permission is against the law and said he'd call the police right away and have me arrested. He then proceeded to tell me that I'd "be passed around like currency in prison" and that "those jail types love skinny photographer types." I don't even know where to start with that one. First, we own the images, not the customer. Yes we need permission to use them for any public purposes but to sell them to you, no we don't need permission. Second, I didn't print them, somebody in St. Louis did. Third, if it against the law, its a civil offense not a criminal offense. They don't send people to jail for breaking a privacy law. I made a joke and said that I surely didn't want to be arrested nor did I want to end up like the guys from that "Oz" show so I said the only solution to my problem was to give the prints to him for free. Well as you can expect from a catholic, he was pretty pleased. Oh did I mention the reason he didn't want them printed is because he knew we shredded them if he didn't buy them and the thought of "the images of his children being shredded offends his catholic interests?" One advantage to having feelings of derealisation is you don't really react to situations like that, its all the same whether good or bad.

I'm sick today, a deep chest cough and a really sore throat. It gets me off work for a day or two but I don't get sick pay so I'd better stretch my next pay cheque to make up for it. The good news is I haven't really felt depressed today, maybe just a little out of it. Last night I was in bed reading one of the books I bought at Value Village a few weeks ago and a receipt popped out the middle, I take a look at it and its the original receipt, it was purchased from the U of M bookstore on July 27th, 1989 which is spooky because I bought the book on Monday, July 27th, 2009. Exactly 20 years later. Cool eh?

Hey Meow

Have you ever just been laying in bed and get overwhelmed by the sudden realization that one day, and quite possibly one day soon, you are going to die? Well you may have guessed it but that happened to me last night. I hate it, its disturbing and I don't enjoy it at all. I think like most people I'm keenly aware of mortality but I normally don't think too much about it but sometimes it becomes overwhelming and it seems like I won't be able to stop thinking about it. I know death is a part of life and it must happen to all living things and I know I wouldn't want to live forever, but fuck, death is a scary thought. No matter how bad a mood I'm in or how bad of a day I had, I know overall I'm okay because I'm still scared of dying.

There are a lot of things in my life I'd like to change, many things I'd like to do and plenty of time to do it all in but I just can't seem to get started. I have no motivation, no ambition and no discipline. Well thats not entirely accurate, theres nothing more I'd like than to be healthy and back to the way I was and I have high ambitions for how thats going to work. I guess I have lots of motivation and ambition, what I don't have any of is discipline. Nor do I have a plan or a starting point. I can never seem to get my act together and sit down and make a list of everything I have to do. I feel that if I had a list I'd be able to just do one thing at a time and get it all done. Thats the terrifying thing about depression, it takes away desire and joy and leaves you mourning desire and joy. I'm acutely aware of that loss and I suffer knowing that until I take initiative and start taking serious steps to getting better I'm going to continue mourning the loss of those feelings. It makes me feel seriously ill and unwell. I don't know what it'll take to motivate me to start but I think its going to depend on someone kicking my ass and forcing me to do it, I feel powerless to do it myself.

I cleaned the bathroom today and got a lungful of bleach fumes and now everything smells and tastes funny, even cigarettes. Melissa is taking me to Folklorama tonight, I got to choose which 3 pavilions to go to. My options were limited but I decided on Serbia, Hangaria (yeah, thats right, Hungaria) and Alpine. I'm looking forward to the last two but Serbia seems like a bit of a downer. Went to Goth night at Monty's bar last night and it was surprisingly not bad. The music was good, cheap cover, cheap drinks and no douches. Unfortunately, my mind doesn't allow for fun but otherwise I guess I can say it was enjoyable. Also due to my inability to savour time or to enjoy the moment it now seems like last night never happened. I've come to expect it though and tonight should be no exception. I miss having Jordan with me, I feel a little lonely now that hes been gone for a week. I've got 4 more weeks on my own. I tell myself to use that time and do something for myself, like go to the gym, go jogging or at least walking, re-paint the bathroom and bedroom or finally buy curtains for the living room but I financial restraints keep me from doing too many of those things. I guess I could get a gym pass but to use the equipment in a gym, one must have energy, something I don't ever have.

Problematique

The past few days seem to have been blurring together more so than usual, I definitely don't sense the passing of time as I once did. Usually I feel like my head is spinning but lately, if I could use a poor analogy, it feels like I can't get my head above water, as if my thoughts can't settle and my mind won't be made. For instance I still haven't really reconciled the fact that its summer let alone the fact that summer is close to over. A lot of people will tell me I feel this way because "we haven't really had a summer this year" but its more than that. Its unnatural and I don't like it. I can remember feeling the same way last year but its worse this year which can only mean that I'm sinking deeper into whatever this is.

Today I planned on making good use of my day off work and being productive. I wanted to clean the house finally and get rid of this mess we made before Jordan's trip but I've put it off again. I also wanted to do a bit of work in my workbook and start my journal again but instead I've spent all day lazing, lounging and loafing. And eating. I really can't complain about my appetite lately, just wish I had the motivation to work out so I could put all these calories to use. Getting in shape was/is on my list of things to do this summer. To quote my betrothed, "time got in the way." I used to think that was a poor excuse for not doing things, I never used to be this lazy. Which again, confirms my belief I'm getting worse, not better.



Lately I've begun to realize that no one in the world really knows anything, not really anyways. I'm not talking about perception, that's something else altogether. What I'm talking about is people (usually ones in a position of authority or those who feel elevated above the rest of us) talk and act like they know something for sure. Since they're the ones in power or the ones that should know the answer, they speak from that position as if their answer is iron-clad. Examples you cry?! My GM from Toronto visited me yesterday and I asked why the new SAS codes don't work and he said with a flourish of confidence that I had to enter them in a different field. I did it right in front of him and of course it didn't work. Later that day and since then I've been wondering why people think they know the answers to anything. I'm not speaking about this philosophically by the way, I'm speaking about general knowledge and everyday "wisdoms," not big important life answers. Its sort of like the following: people have vague knowledge about every day events and people and places etc. You hear a piece on the news about a bombing in Iraq and the next day at work you have a gem of information to share with your co-workers and suddenly you're the expert on the matter. To speak with any real confidence about a subject you'd have to be a scholar or have spent a lot of time researching it. Reading an article in Time magazine might be interesting but not only can you not believe everything you read, you have to consider that the article may not be telling you everything there is to know. Here's my contribution to it: I think it must be part of our genetics, part of our society to want to share information, to gossip and be heard and to speak. Why do I think this? Because I vaguely remember reading something about it somewhere at some time or another. I've noticed it before but lately its been bothering me. From now on I'm going to try to be a little less vocal during certain conversations and stay a little more reserved. I've always been sensitive of my "know-it-allism" so I'm going to do something about it. I'm going to cross it off my 'list of character flaws to correct.'

So maybe today wasn't a complete write-off, I did accomplish something after all. Or maybe I'm just exaggerating to make myself feel better for not having done anything with my time. I have a lot more to write but the Fire Cats are assembling at the Fire Cat Cave.

I made a blog but I don't know why

So I've made a blog and as you may have gathered from the title, I don't know why. What sort of expectations do people have of blogs? I visit very few myself and by very few I mean none at all so this might get tedious due to my inexperience. I used to keep a blog but that was some years ago and I mainly used it to tell others of my struggles with anxiety and panic issues. Hopefully this one will have more substance to it or at least be more compelling. Hm, well here it goes...

If my life were the way I wanted it to be this is how my day would have been: I awoke refreshed and full of vigour around 5:30am and promptly got out of bed and took a brisk jog through the downtown while my fellow denizens still slept, recovering from last night's indiscretions. After getting home I ate a hearty breakfast of organic farm fresh eggs, bacon, toast and home garden potatoes. Having relished in a long, satisfyingly restorative dump, I took a shower of equal proportions. Slid into my Brioni, slipped on my Berlutis (see picture), I whistled out the door to my awaiting Veyron. and so on and so forth.

As it is, my day hasn't been the worst but to be honest its been pretty shitty and whats frustrating is that I can't really say why. I woke up around 10:30 after 6 hours of sleep (I stayed up late reading), skipped breakfast as usual, took a shower in the mildew factory that is my bathroom, changed, styled my hair using shitty product after discovering I'm out of the good stuff and drove to work, which struck me as pointless and uninspiring today. My photography was shit today but the people buying it didn't seem to notice. I left work early, went to my mum's for dinner, hung out with her for a bit and came home just before seven. Since then I've been glued to the couch, annoyed with the remote that the "zero" button keeps sticking and more annoyed with myself for not having done something more productive today and even more annoyed that I I've neglected to take better care of my physical and mental health over the past few years. My annoyance itself annoys me. As for the rest of my evening I can look forward to watching another Star Trek marathon on the telly before eventually going to bed only to lay awake, staring at the ceiling, enjoying a short and fitful sleep and wake in the morning to have another repetitive day full of let-downs and unfulfilled hopes. I feel like today never happened and it might as well never have.

Well alright, so things aren't as bad I make them out to be but sometimes that's how I feel. I've been trying to keep a more positive attitude lately, making an honest effort to keep upbeat. I've also tried to change the way things are, tried to improve my surroundings. The results are still pending it seems. I tell myself today would be better if I had someone to come home to but I have to learn not to rely on others to keep me happy, instead I must learn to be happy with myself and others.

Goodness that was wearisome and drab, no? I'll have to make up for it and write something a little less trite next time. I'll end this maiden post with a quote, one that I find usually gets my meaning across to people when I explain my biggest problem.

"I find myself regarding existence as though from beyond the tomb, from another world; all is strange to me; I am, as it were, outside my own body and individuality; I am depersonalized, detached, cut adrift. Is this madness?" That is of course from Henri Frédéric Amiel's Journal Intime.