Have you ever just been laying in bed and get overwhelmed by the sudden realization that one day, and quite possibly one day soon, you are going to die? Well you may have guessed it but that happened to me last night. I hate it, its disturbing and I don't enjoy it at all. I think like most people I'm keenly aware of mortality but I normally don't think too much about it but sometimes it becomes overwhelming and it seems like I won't be able to stop thinking about it. I know death is a part of life and it must happen to all living things and I know I wouldn't want to live forever, but fuck, death is a scary thought. No matter how bad a mood I'm in or how bad of a day I had, I know overall I'm okay because I'm still scared of dying.
There are a lot of things in my life I'd like to change, many things I'd like to do and plenty of time to do it all in but I just can't seem to get started. I have no motivation, no ambition and no discipline. Well thats not entirely accurate, theres
nothing more I'd like than to be healthy and back to the way I was and I have high ambitions for how thats going to work. I guess I have lots of motivation and ambition, what I don't have any of is discipline. Nor do I have a plan or a starting point. I can never seem to get my act together and sit down and make a list of everything I have to do. I feel that if I had a list I'd be able to just do one thing at a time and get it all done. Thats the terrifying thing about depression, it takes away desire and joy and leaves you mourning desire and joy. I'm acutely aware of that loss and I suffer knowing that until I take initiative and start taking serious steps to getting better I'm going to continue mourning the loss of those feelings. It makes me feel seriously ill and unwell. I don't know what it'll take to motivate me to start but I think its going to depend on someone kicking my ass and forcing me to do it, I feel powerless to do it myself.
I cleaned the bathroom today and got a lungful of bleach fumes and now everything smells and tastes funny, even cigarettes. Melissa is taking me to Folklorama tonight, I got to choose which 3 pavilions to go to. My opti
ons were limited but I decided on Serbia, Hangaria (yeah, thats right, Hungaria) and Alpine. I'm looking forward to the last two but Serbia seems like a bit of a downer. Went to Goth night at Monty's bar last night and it was surprisingly not bad. The music was good, cheap cover, cheap drinks and no douches. Unfortunately, my mind doesn't allow for fun but otherwise I guess I can say it was enjoyable. Also due to my inability to savour time or to enjoy the moment it now seems like last night never happened. I've come to expect it though and tonight should be no exception. I miss having Jordan with me, I feel a little lonely now that hes been gone for a week. I've got 4 more weeks on my own. I tell myself to use that time and do something for myself, like go to the gym, go jogging or at least walking, re-paint the bathroom and bedroom or finally buy curtains for the living room but I financial restraints keep me from doing too many of those things. I guess I could get a gym pass but to use the equipment in a gym, one must have energy, something I don't ever have.
There are a lot of things in my life I'd like to change, many things I'd like to do and plenty of time to do it all in but I just can't seem to get started. I have no motivation, no ambition and no discipline. Well thats not entirely accurate, theres
nothing more I'd like than to be healthy and back to the way I was and I have high ambitions for how thats going to work. I guess I have lots of motivation and ambition, what I don't have any of is discipline. Nor do I have a plan or a starting point. I can never seem to get my act together and sit down and make a list of everything I have to do. I feel that if I had a list I'd be able to just do one thing at a time and get it all done. Thats the terrifying thing about depression, it takes away desire and joy and leaves you mourning desire and joy. I'm acutely aware of that loss and I suffer knowing that until I take initiative and start taking serious steps to getting better I'm going to continue mourning the loss of those feelings. It makes me feel seriously ill and unwell. I don't know what it'll take to motivate me to start but I think its going to depend on someone kicking my ass and forcing me to do it, I feel powerless to do it myself.I cleaned the bathroom today and got a lungful of bleach fumes and now everything smells and tastes funny, even cigarettes. Melissa is taking me to Folklorama tonight, I got to choose which 3 pavilions to go to. My opti
ons were limited but I decided on Serbia, Hangaria (yeah, thats right, Hungaria) and Alpine. I'm looking forward to the last two but Serbia seems like a bit of a downer. Went to Goth night at Monty's bar last night and it was surprisingly not bad. The music was good, cheap cover, cheap drinks and no douches. Unfortunately, my mind doesn't allow for fun but otherwise I guess I can say it was enjoyable. Also due to my inability to savour time or to enjoy the moment it now seems like last night never happened. I've come to expect it though and tonight should be no exception. I miss having Jordan with me, I feel a little lonely now that hes been gone for a week. I've got 4 more weeks on my own. I tell myself to use that time and do something for myself, like go to the gym, go jogging or at least walking, re-paint the bathroom and bedroom or finally buy curtains for the living room but I financial restraints keep me from doing too many of those things. I guess I could get a gym pass but to use the equipment in a gym, one must have energy, something I don't ever have.
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