Trying to let it be

I've managed with fairly positive success lately to not let things bother me. Keeping occupied helps to keep my mind off the trivial things that normally get to me. Strange thing is though, people and events that normally don't bother me have been really getting on my nerves. It seemed like everyone called me today and I really wasn't in the mood for chatting with anyone but fuck it anyway, the phone kept ringing all day. Other than that I've had one of the best days I've had in a long time. I owe most of it to an awesome weekend I think. On Friday I went to Amber's birthday party and hung out with a few old friends, had a slack day at work on Saturday and hung out with an old high school friend that evening. Sunday was the bestest ever though. Went to the nude beach with Rob and friends, didn't plan on going nude but it happened and I really liked it. Only awkward part was a couple of lecherous douches who made everyone feel really self-conscious by staring a lot and walking slowly by every 20 minutes. Other than that it was great, spent 4 hours on the beach soaking up some vitamin D and even got a bit of exercise. I got sunburned pretty bad but not in the places you'd expect to get burned on a nude beach. Only part of today I didn't like was I didn't get to the gym like I planned. I'm off Thursday though and I'm 100% committed to going, I've got to start using this membership. I'm going to start off easy and get my body used to physical exertion again. Gotta lay off the doritos and kit kats now too I guess.

I've also noticed a few reassuring and very welcome signs of a possible recovery. Music has been affecting me more than normal, I haven't really been affected by it much in the past few months. I was hit by a burst of creative energy today and used it to write a poem, something I haven't done in years. I'm not even sure I've ever written a real poem before. Where is this coming from? I am cautiously optimistic. I don't want to get my hopes up too high, after all I haven't really been working too hard towards getting better. I've taken a few steps but I haven't hit it full force yet. I'm not sick of living, just the banality of it all. The basic humdrum cadence of everyday existence. I'm headed in the right direction towards being better. I have hope, not too high, but hope nonetheless that I'll feel a lot better soon. I'm excited to be there.

I may have had an epiphany about my job too. Well maybe epiphany is a bit of a strong word but my suspicions have been confirmed about how much I hate my job. I officially hate it! Its a big step. Now I just have to find a new one. I'd like a job that isn't smothered in bureaucratic bullshit. Its a tall order I know. Photography isn't fun when you have such strict guidelines to adhere to. Not to mention the sales aspect. What I hate the most though is being under so much pressure to get appointments booked. Its constant, everyday I get a call from my boss "inspiring" me to work hard and make sure I meet the quota. I have to send daily reports about all my appointment acquisition efforts and results and I get an email or phone call if its not up to par. I understand that this is part of the job and is likely the first or second most important aspect but its also my least favourite. I'd describe the job as being more of a marketing position than a photography one. I also really think I'm done dealing with the general public. I've always known but only recently begun to feel strongly that there are way better things in life than helping fragile people with their petty, trivial problems. I'm sick of holding peoples hands and stroking their egos, telling them I'll make everything better. Consumerism is really pissing me off. I understand that if you pay for something then you expect to receive whatever you have coming to you but its not cool to take out your anger on people when things don't go as well as you hoped. I know this is a common complaint among people in retail but I just have to voice my opinion. I'm not one to talk but people are way too uptight about shit these days. I wish everyone would just chill out and relax. I'm sick of people being full of themselves, expecting the world to bow before them, feeling entitled to respect, just because they're a consumer. So what, you bought some shitty, useless pile of crap that was made in China. Its just crap people, don't get so strung out about it.

Jordan gets home on the 4th which is a Friday. Then the loneliness will be over. I'm anxious to be together again. The past few weeks have been a little rocky and I've gone through a lot of ups and downs but on the 4th at least there'll be one less thing to worry about and lots to look forward to. I miss being with him. Some days are easier than others while some are painful. Mostly its just not having anyone to talk to, no one to snuggle. Snuggles! I grow weary of John and Yoko and I know they're sick of me too, we'll all be glad when Jordan gets back. They manage to find new ways to annoy me everyday. They have to get into everything all the time, never a moment of peace. They are unresponsive to my discipline or anyone else's. Its time to put them down I think. Jordan suggested Yoko would haunt me as a ghost cat. If its anything like the movie Ghost Dad then I'd be all for it but I don't think a ghost Yoko is something I can deal with.